In case any of you wonderfully, wisely child-less folks have ever wondered... What it's like to have kids: Take your alarm clock. Set it to go off every 5 minutes. Set it to the music you hate the most. Then the volume all the way up. Now disable the snooze. Now jump out the window.
My dad: "I'm getting ready for your visit; what do the kids like to eat?" Me: "Anything that doesn't happen to be in the house when they're hungry."
The dust kicked up from beneath her worn sandals, the grinding sound only growing louder as the heavy steel boots behind her closed in. Stay focused. Straight ahead. The darkness was closing in, the great shadow that threatened to eat her just out of reach. Ahead, the cliff threatened. Behind, death. She picked up speed, … Continue reading Writers Should Never, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever Have Kids
You know what really smooths off a nice trip to Yellowstone National Park - particularly one where my parenting skills were consistently under scrutiny and I think I may have failed on every level in my attempt to create a "happy family vacation"? A severed finger. Not mine. I'd prefer that, actually because I'm a … Continue reading Severed Fingers in Jackson Hole
I woke up feeling shitty, was shitty to my kids all morning, and now I'm driving them to the pool with a shitty attitude. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I want to shit on that too. Thanks for listening. You're pretty shitty at it, but it's better than nothing.
The sarcasm is strong with one, folks. You have been warned. God. Fucking. Christ. Sometimes it doesn't seem like things can get any better. And by better, I mean really, really fucking awful. Let's start with the yard. Oh dear Lord, the yard. People, if you ever buy a house brand new off the shelf, … Continue reading How’s That for a Shit Week?
Having kids is like injecting yourself with an 18 year strain of mono.
(1) Breathe (2) Repeat
Why do our kids have to be born with our genes? I could stand the flaws and faults of anyone else's little demons on a daily basis. I could love my kids unconditionally day-in and day-out of their shit didn't stink in exactly the same way as mine. I was late getting my daughter to … Continue reading We Should’ve Adopted
I've been a SAHM for about a month now. It wasn't by choice - I was laid off - but it has been rather interesting and somewhat timely. I've been able to get us moved into our house more quickly, be home for our daughter when she leaves and comes home from school so we don't … Continue reading Newly-Made SAHM…For Now