Don’t Understand

There are things in life I feel will never change. Pain, suffering, the need for deep and lasting love, the call of independence and self-acceptance, the always changing inner drummer whose rhythm radically quickens or slows in the very moment we feel we are starting to understand the song. 

Finding and losing love, breaking and healing hearts, temporary certainty with blatant terrifying chance lurking around every corner. The need for the kind of connection with webs of people of varying traits that allows us to survive the unsurvivable, to realize we don’t have to thrive but that just being is okay or even not okay or even down and out or devastated or destroyed is enough. 

But mostly, the thing that will never change – no matter who is in charge or who loves who or how we relate or what we value or when we decide to value it – is the aching need to understand, to explain. A need that digs so deep that we scream, thrash, and bleed to find it. We judge, condemn, and kill to secure it. We destroy the most meaningful people in our lives to keep it tucked safely away underneath our slowly sinking sense of identity. We selfishly protect the one thing that not a single one of us ever had in the first place, and to those who suffer most greatly under the indiscriminate hand of chance, luck, and that thing we call ‘life,’ we offer absolutely nothing when they never really needed much in the first place. 

Just a hug. Or a hand. Or a moment of empathy. Or just a single second when they felt the people cared enough to walk in their shoes. 

But we walk away. We walk away and hide. Because we’re way too goddamn comfortable with the false concept I presented at the very beginning of this post – that some things will never change. We want that to be true. Too much. 

It’s not. 

The more we run from change, the more we try to secure this misguided ability to “understand” the worst shit in life, the more we lose the people that matter most. And the more we lose the people that matter most, the more we lose ourselves. 

So knock it the fuck off. Quit trying to understand and start trying to just care. 

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