The super duper fun thing (as in, OMG that is SOOOOOO totes the funnest thing ever for realz!) about debilitating OCD is that it’s like artificial intelligence – it learns and changes with you. As you get better at defeating it, it becomes smarter.
My first brush with really bad, really awful – er, sorry, really FUN! – OCD began with just being afraid I might murder or rape someone. Ya know, no biggie. You know what I’m talking about – you walk around with this constant fear that at any second you might randomly reach out and just rip somebody’s head off or shove them through one of those really cool shattering glass store windows or something. I know, it sounds crazy – imagine being in my head!
But eventually, after a few days of either condemning yourself to the corner of the apartment or walking around with your arms wrapped around yourself like a straightjacket, you’re like, “Well, fancy that! I haven’t actually killed or raped anyone yet.” And you start to learn that hey, maybe being a serial killer is not, in fact, your calling in life. So then you start to feel better and normal and maybe even a little bit human again.
But then your OCD is like, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! There is NO feeling good here! This is not part of our deal. Our deal is that you feel shitty and miserable and I always win!” And then it starts wringing its hands together with an evil laugh that makes you go oh fuck, here we go again kinda like when you’re suspended at the top of the Tower of Doom and it’s like, “We must be smarter, OCDs. We OCDs have a job to do, mnyah, mnyah. We must serve the all-mighty purpose of the Gods of the OCDs.”
Then it returns to you. “So Jayne…what if you committed suicide? How horrible would that be? Imagine what everyone would think; imagine what they would say! Just think how horrible everyone would feel and all because of you! You think murder was bad; this shit would destroy everything!”
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been afraid to the point of obsession that you might commit suicide, but it’s very confusing. Because everyone around you is saying that if you’re thinking about suicide a lot then you might actually be suicidal. And if you’re obsessively afraid you might commit suicide (because you don’t want to and the thought terrifies you), guess what you’re thinking about all the time???
So then you start asking yourself questions to verify that you are not, in fact, suicidal. You know, just a little check-in before you admit yourself to the mental institution.
“Have I created a plan?” you might ask yourself. Because if you have a plan, you are definitely suicidal.
No, I haven’t created a plan. Of course I haven’t created a plan…have I? Have I done or thought anything that might even remotely resemble a plan because the ad on TV says the signs could be small and difficult to identify? And I’ve been thinking about suicide quite a lot. I have thought about ways I could do it and how horrible it would be for me and everyone around me and how badly I don’t want to do it. Is that the same as a plan? I plan to go to work tomorrow and work sucks and I hate that, so maybe now that’s my plan. I have plans to eat dinner tonight and we’re having steak and I’ll be eating my steak with a knife and a knife can be used to kill yourself so OMG I’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS THE WHOLE TIME AND I HAD NO IDEA.
*Cue nervous breakdown complete with hiding all sharp objects and locking myself in the closet in a fetal position.
And that’s the fun of OCD. 🙂 🙂