“Where. The fuck. Were you?” Beth was like hurricane over my bed, waking me up with a roar so intense I thought the wind from her breath might knock me out of bed.
I forced my eyes open to find three figures hovering over me.
“Mmmgrrrrrrrgin…” I mumbled.
I stuffed my fist in my eye to clear the fuzz, then ran it down my cheek to catch some drool.
“Gross!” cried a female voice I didn’t recognize.
“If you don’t like it, then don’t wake me up at the butt crack of dawn,” I grumbled.
“You were with him, weren’t you?” Beth sure was demanding. I made a mental note to put another roommate ad up on Craigslist.
“With who?” I could finally see my interrogators. Beth, Halley, and Maribel all stood over me, their heads bobbing like balloons, their hands on their hips.
Maribel folded her arms over her chest. “You know who.”
I rolled my eyes and turned away from them to face the wall, pulling my covers tight overtop of me.
Suddenly, my covers flew off and something hard and cold smacked me in the ass. “Hey!”
The girls snickered. “Answer the question, bitch. I have another cell phone with spikes on it.”
I glared at Beth. “I don’t respond to torture until after ten AM.”
“Good.” Without warning, she climbed on top of me, straddled my stomach, and pinned my arms above my head.
Goddamn she was strong. And the position she had me in… I made a kissy face and bounced my eyebrows up-and-down.
Halley and Maribel burst out laughing. “We need to get a video of this for the guys,” cried Maribel as she pulled out her phone.
Halley clapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide with subdued excitement.
Beth released my arm and slapped the phone out of Maribel’s hand. “You drop that shit or I’ll release yours and Tony’s sex tape.”
Maribel’s face turn to stone. She picked up her phone and shoved it in the back pocket of her jeans almost tucking her red chiffon tank top in with it. She wagged her finger in Beth’s face. “You’re not going to be able to hold that over my head forever, Silver Pussy.”
Silver Pussy? I was tempted to ask, but instead I took advantage of Beth’s distraction. Like a fucking Kill Bill assassin, I launched my belly upward, stuck my free hand under her left arm, and flung her off the side of the bed. She hit the floor with a thump.
Halley kneeled down to help her up, but Maribel high-fived me. I leaned over the edge of the bed. “Take that, Silver Pussy. And yes, I was with him.”
I stood and sashayed proudly to my closet in my lacy nighty. I turned back to the girls and nodded at Beth. “But it wasn’t near as hot as that vaj action you just gave me.” I posed erotically against the closet door and ran my hand down my cleavage. “You want to come over here for more, Beth?”
She snorted. “I don’t go near lips that have touched the Kiss of Death.” She fluttered her eyelashes. “I bet you wish you had followed my advice now, don’t you? Everybody wants a piece of Silver Pussy.”
I groaned and threw my arms in the air. “I didn’t kiss Jax, okay?”
“Oh, we’re on a first-name basis now, are we?”
“For fuck’s sake…we didn’t do anything. We just…well, I don’t really know what we did actually…”
“What, did you have sex without kissing or something?” Maribel probed.
I turned around and stared into the closet, hoping it would give me an excuse to stop talking. “No, we didn’t do anything. Not even a hug.”
Halley heaved a sigh of relief, although I couldn’t tell if it was for her or for me.
I turned around with the cheeky smile and, with the tip of my index finger touching my chin, I said, “but we did hold hands!” I giggled like a schoolgirl.
They didn’t seem amused. I pulled out a shirt and a pair of pants from my drawer and started to get dressed.
Maribel seemed bored, Holly was sporting a shy smile, and Beth was still watching me inquisitively. “What do you think, girls, do we believe her?”
Maribel helped Beth off the floor. “Well, she’s not crying on his doorstep or screaming at us to stay away from her one true love – no offense, Halley.”
“Oh come on, Maribel, don’t be giving Halley shit after the fuss you made over him over Christmas last year. You’re just lucky he doesn’t have a thing for fake platinum blonde hair.”
Maribel stepped up to Beth menacingly. “You want to end up locked in the closet with Hairy Harry again? You know I can make that shit happen.”
Beth skittered out from between her and the bed. “Okay, Okay. I’m done. Now both of you get the hell out of my house.” She grabbed my hand, pulled me out of the room, and out the front door before I had even finished buttoning up my pants.
Beth pulled out a cigarette and headed down the street at a moderate stroll. I finished fastening my jeans and then caught up with her.
“I’m going to give you one last chance,” she said.
I looked around, searching for the movie screen cowboy she must be talking to. “What? Are you talking to me?”
She took a nice long draw from the cigarette. “Yes, bimbo.” She paused. “I might start calling you that. Bimbo. It has a nice ring to it.”
I watched as she sucked almost the entire rest of the cigarette into her mouth.
“So? Did you kiss him?”
Seriously? “No. For fuck’s sake, I didn’t kiss the evil Kiss of Death. He just took me into some cave, then walked me down to a coffee sh –
Beth grabbed my arm to. “Wait, he took you to the cave?”
I became exasperated. “Yes! Some cave off the path. Do you want directions?”
She stared in disbelief. “The Kissing Cave. He took you to the Kissing Cave, and he didn’t kiss you.”
I shook my head. “I guess.”
She stared at me for another long moment, then turned abruptly and continued her walk. “I believe you.”
Did she want a cookie?
I shrugged it off and fell into step behind her. “So what did you guys do last night?”
She pushed her lips into a subtle duck face. “What? Or who?” She raised an eyebrow at me.
“Really. And what size dick graced your lady hole last night?”
She chuckled. “Let’s just say that no thanks to the roommate rule, Kirk is off the menu for you.”
My jaw dropped. “Nice work, bitch.”
“That’s the way shit rolls when you don’t take my advice.”
“I told you I didn’t kiss him, fat face.”
“Fat face? That’s all you got?” She flicked her cigarette and smashed it under her flip-flop. “I’m going to have to have Pat give you a bitch vocabulary lesson. Can’t have friends of mine walking around using insults like fat face.
“Insult?” I worked my best sneer. “I was just being descriptive.”
Her face lit up with laughter and she grabbed my hand, swinging our arms like a couple of second graders. “Maybe there’s hope for you yet.” She caught me looking curiously at our hands clasped together. “Don’t get all sentimental on me, I didn’t grab your pussy.”
Another cigarette mysteriously appeared between the fingers of her right hand. She lit it, took a puff, and blew the smoke out, staring straight ahead. “We hookers are close out here. With all those dicks whacking around like they own the place, we’ve got to take care of each other. Our little group in particular is tight, but we look out for the other ladies, too. Ain’t none of these jackasses got time for any emotional woman, so we’ve got to look out for each other.” She looked at me dead in the face. “We never leave each other hanging, never taste the same cock without the express permission of the chick who got there first, and we never, never let a hooker go anywhere by herself drunk, with or without a man.”
I crinkled my nose. “Why the word ‘hooker?'”
She smirked. “Some ass hat looking to get laid told us once that we acted like a bunch of hookers who needed a pimp.” She shrugged. “It stuck.”
I laughed. It appeared I had to come to the right place. “So, are you going to make good on your promise? Tell me about the Kiss of Death.”
“Why, do you have plans to go spelunking with him again? I’m not sure I want to tell you now that you’re interested in him.”
“I’m not interested in him, I’m interested in the story you all keep going on about. I mean, with the kind of sex you ladies have around here, it’s hard to imagine all of you losing your shit over a stupid kiss.”
She snorted. “If there was any doubt that you were telling the truth about not kissing him, it’s gone now.”
I groaned. “Seriously, what’s the deal? I have never seen perfectly sensible girls act so insensible!”
She shook her head with a sigh and offered me a puff of her cigarette. I held up my hand to decline. “You sure?” she said. “If you don’t need it now, you’re going to need it by the time I’m done with the story.”
I let go of her hand, grab the stub, and took a nice long drag. It had been ages since I’d had one, but it tasted just as good. “There, happy? Are you convinced I can survive story time with Beth now?”
She smiled. “Nobody survives story time with Beth.”