To My Mormon Exes

I’m sorry you’re missing the hot steamy sex
You never got from this once puritanical ex

I’m sorry you couldn’t handle my stubborn ways
Because now that shit earns me a fucking good wage

I’m sorry I stepped on your toes with my brain
I couldn’t fake dumb; I take the blame

I’m sorry I wouldn’t be your housekeeper or maid
No matter how many times you worshiped and prayed

It must’ve been hard; I chose success not defeat
Where are you? Can’t see you from the executive suite

So here’s to us, I hope you’re happy too
Maybe someday we’ll meet again, and I’ll remember why I liked you

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