It’s Empty

There’s never enough time for anything. I’ve done a million things today, yet I’ve done nothing. There’s a house to clean, screaming kids to temper, a loving husband to hug, hours of work to put in, children to entertain and spend time with, dogs to feed, counters to pick up, passports to apply for, paperwork to organize, furniture to buy, exercise to engage in, medicine to administer, activities to schedule, family members to comfort…

I do a little of all of it and feel utterly unaccomplished because I didn’t get to the one thing that I have to do, that keeps me alive, that maintains my sanity, that brings me fulfillment even if it’s just the kind that makes you less likely to gouge your own eyes out. And now that I can, I feel like those same eyes have rolled back into their sockets. I’m lost to some other world where I feel only slightly real and almost lost like I’ve been living in a tunnel for ten years. Only writing can shake that feeling. Or sometimes taking a walk or getting a drink with friends. But I can’t do either of those things.

So I’ll write my short piece here and hope that it’s enough. The words I write aren’t good enough anyways. They don’t connect together like they should, weave intricate and complicated narratives that make people go, “How the hell did she do that?” There are simply too many diapers for that. Too many people. Too many of me.

I’ll hope that husband doesn’t think I’m completely crazy for having an entire day at home with no specific schedule, wherein I didn’t really even leave the computer or the house, yet I feel like I have nothing to show for myself.

Sometimes I think I was never meant to be satisfied. That I was created to just be miserable all the time, to feel like what I want is always just a few fingertips out of reach.

It’s empty. It’s all empty.

9 thoughts on “It’s Empty

  1. Not intending to minimize your pain, but I’m going to share an uplifting moment. After a day of ‘doing’ and getting ready for the next adventure, I took time to watch an entirely frivolous movie: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I can’t say it cures what ails you, but, if you just watch Mr. Darcy’s proposal, I promise you’ll find enough laughter to carry you through the rest of your week.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nothing so frustrating as having your goal being blocked by barriers that look totally surmountable to everyone else. I hear these lyrics from Simon and Garfunkel when I want to write but have nothing left by the time I reach that point:

    And a song I was writing is left undone
    I don’t know why I spend my time
    Writing songs I can’t believe
    With words that tear and strain to rhyme
    Paul Simon, Kathy’s Song, 1960

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can completely relate to this, and yet I don’t expect I’m half as busy as you sound! I just think that, at all stages of life, we are busy and things get in the way of where we want to be, and what we want to do. There’s always something else to do… I don’t think anyone would think you were crazy for having an unscheduled day, you’ll have more to show for it than you think; your sanity!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Perhaps what you need is rather than an unscheduled day of nothing, but a scheduled day of nothing! Where you’ve listed the things that really matter to you for that day and that you want to get done 🙂 Might help! I like to keep a whiteboard of my personal tasks so I can have the joy of scrubbing them off when done… They also serve as a reminder as I’m far to easily distracted when I don’t have a set plan

        Liked by 1 person

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