Won’t You Just Stay?

The feeling nags at the pit of my stomach, blackens me from the inside out, drags me from place to place. I tried to talk it away, to drug it away, to cry it away but it’s a devil in my haven, crawling beneath my skin, spreading its poison as far as I allow. 
And I let it. I give way to the cruel tease. Because I know someday I’ll awaken alone. The air will sag and the sun will shine far too bright. The world will grey and the sheets will fray. The curtains will feel oppressive, the floor will try to digest me. Maybe it will be your choice, maybe it won’t. Maybe that fake God above will take you for his own selfish purposes. 

But, as long as I can remember, since the day those deep brown eyes saw more in me than any before, I knew you’d be gone too soon. Stripped from me, hacked from my anxious grasp. Your existence a perfect, beautiful, irresistible ticking time bomb.

Because God forbid something should work out. God forbid someone should love this wreck of a girl. 

So it’s temporary. Until the day I run you off. Until the day someone else takes you away. 

Won’t you just stay? Won’t you wick away the deadly fear that chains me every time we fight? Will a promise, a ring, ever be enough to stave off the impending doom?

I am forever waiting. Preparing. Mourning. Knowing that tomorrow I lose you. Tomorrow I lose everything. 

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2 thoughts on “Won’t You Just Stay?

    • Really??? I always thought it was just me. At one point I thought it might be a premonition but now I think it’s just a manifestation of anxiety. I’ve always felt like I didn’t deserve to be truly loved so I think I just assume it’s short-term. Ever since I met Chris, I’ve always expected him would die young. Isn’t that awful??? It terrifies me but I can never shake the feeling.

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