Will You Be My Platonic Non-Gay Brofriend?

I miss guy friends. Our country is so stupid and, no, I’m not actually referring to politics, although that is pretty stupid too, but I’m referring to our stupid ass Puritan roots. It’s amazing that in the year 2016, people still get their panties in a bunch when a married woman has or wishes to have a male friend. And I’m not talking about my husband – he’s amazing. He has a few female friends from college he stays in touch with, most of which have become dear friends of mine too, and he’s very supportive of us having both common and separate social friendships. 

It’s the rest of the world that’s the problem (Jesus, am I a writer or what??). I mean, let’s say I meet a guy I get along with really well and I think “we could totally be friends” and then I start dreaming about getting man advice while drinking at the bar, texting him for suggestions for birthday gifts for my husband, and being told how hot I am without having to worry about him making a move – you know, all the basics of a good brofriendship. But immediately upon having these thoughts, things are already weird because either:

1) He’s married and that’s a no-no under all circumstances for some stupid fucking reason. 

2) He’s not married and unless he’s an old friend from high school, that’s a no-no too because apparently we’re all in junior high and can’t talk to a member of the opposite sex without worrying about ‘what if he wants to hold my hand!!’

3) He’s gay and please don’t misunderstand – this is great, and I have one or two of these, but it limits me to a pretty small percentage of the population. And it’s a percentage of the population that already lives a similar dating experience that I do (i.e. They’re dating a man they don’t really understand) so I’m not going to get a lot of what-men-want-from-women industry tips. Really, at the end of the day, sexual orientation doesn’t really matter, I just don’t want to have to go on a mission picking out the gay guys from the crowd so I can have a brofriend. It shouldn’t matter. We should be adults who are secure enough in our relationships that we trust each other in our – God forbid – fraternizing with the opposite sex. 

So what’s the deal, people? I had a lot of male friends in high school and college. Like, legit male friends, no dating, we gave each other tips, navigated the waters of young adulthood, and frankly, I fucking loved my guy friends. I still do, actually. Mikey, Danny, Jeremy, Jason, Noel – you’re all still very close to my heart. 

But then I got married and now suddenly I’m only supposed to be friends with girls?? That’s bullshit. I’ve never gotten along well with girls and while I have some very dear lady friends now that I’d do anything for, I want my goddamn man friends back!

So what are we going to do here, folks? I’m not letting this fly anymore. If you’re male and it weirds you out that I want to have a meaningful friendship with you, grow the fuck up. I have an amazing marriage, my husband is practically a friggin GQ model so trust me, I’m not going anywhere. I just want that understanding and wisdom that only a pair of platonic balls can offer. 

This isn’t actually a plea for applications, btw. I have one or two friends I’d like to think I can call official brofriends, but God I’d love to have a whole pack of you. We can all hang out with our spouses or SO’s and I can pull you aside to get a guy’s opinion on the new carribeaner I got my husband and no one would give a damn. I can complain about being a frumpy housewife and you can remind me that my husband still thinks I sizzle. And good god, maybe I can even return the favor! Lady friends have all sorts of great advice we’d love to dish out for the good of wives and girlfriends everywhere. 

So let’s do this folks! Lets color outside the lines, live on the edge. Let’s be friends. In fact, let’s do it Mr. Rogers-style:

Won’t you be my brofriend?

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