Newly-Made SAHM…For Now

I’ve been a SAHM for about a month now. It wasn’t by choice – I was laid off – but it has been rather interesting and somewhat timely. I’ve been able to get us moved into our house more quickly, be home for our daughter when she leaves and comes home from school so we don’t have to pay for after-school care, and I’ve been able to get crafty for some Christmas presents and save us a little $$.

I’ve also spent some time with some friends who have been long-time SAHM’s. Most of them have a couple of kids at home, while I have just my 2 1/2 year old and I’ve realized something during our Mommy Dates:

I’m not a very good Stay-at-Home-Mom.

Now hold on, I’m not saying that to be “humbly self-deprecating” or even to feel sorry for myself. I don’t really feel guilty about it at all, actually, it’s just who I am. But I see that my friends do cool things like prepare crafts for their kids to do, or take trips to Monkey Buziness, or sit down and teach them the alphabet or their number or shapes or something, and, well…

I don’t do any of that shit.

See, here’s the thing. The way I see it, my son is already getting 8-9 more hours of me every day than he had before. That’s 8-9 hours he gets to stare at my gorgeous face, babble to me about Paw Patrol, and turn my back into a play structure. That’s 40+ more hours a week than he’s ever had before!! And look, I’ve got shit to do – I’ve got to clean & run errands, I’ve got to do some freelance projects here and there for my own sanity, and I HAVE TO WRITE.

So, listen little buddy: if you want trips to interesting places or rendezvous at the playground or story time during these bonus hours you’ve suddenly obtained, sorry, but you’re gonna have to pay me a salary. We can work out something reasonable that benefits both of us. We can even work out a bonus structure if you’d like me to throw in arts & crafts or learning time every now and then; I’m flexible. But as it stands, if we work together, we can have a good thing going and both get what we need out of this arrangement without all that extra mumbo-jumbo.

And anyways, looks at the bright side: while I’m lost in my blog posts or imaginary worlds or cleaning & cooking (blech), you can get away with all sorts of things you wouldn’t normally be able to do! Here are a few ideas:

  • Play in the toilet. Hell, get all the way in, I won’t know. My character is being chased by an axe murderer; nothing else matters right now.
  • Try to ride the dog like a horse. I promise he won’t bite. The sight might even spark my imagination so it’s a win-win.
  • Pull all my underwear out of the dresser and fling it all over the bedroom. Daddy might like that anyways.
  • Get out all the pots and pans and hit them with spoons until I’m deaf (I don’t need my ears to write).
  • Eat all the chapstick. I most likely have to run to the store again for the one thing I forgot to grab yesterday so I’ll just buy another 12-pack.

Thanks, little guy. We could have a pretty ideal situation here if we team up. Just remember: 4 o’clock is clean-up time or else we will have a very cranky Daddy!!!

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