Yep, I’m gonna do it. Your gonna be blown away go hat town with the horrific spelling, punctuation, and grammar their is going to be in this dry, plotless, overly-descriptive quicksand of a book. Its boring characters, run-on sentences, overused commas, and wafting tenses will have screaming “Editor!! Is there an editor in the building!”.
A few hilights of what stuff you can expect in this work of…. Something:
Delicate, fluffy, sweetly erratic, and most importantly, useless, purple prose to rival the most ridiculously and overbearingly outlandish authors
Really, REALLY boring characters. And I mean BO – RING. You’ll be asleep before you start reading. Boring will be the watchword.
Overuse of the same vocabulary to the point of… Well, boredom.
I’ll give away the ending at the beginning. Take that, Billy Crystal!
The most popular descriptive words: unceremoniously, prosaic, iridescent, monolithic. And I’ll do you one better – they’ll all be used in the wrong places.
Head-hopping – he to she to she to he to it. Who’s talking? She doesn’t know. I don’t really know either, she thought. It sees her and smirks at the confusion.
The titilating, prosaic, and hot-headed use of adverbs will meticulously set the CEO of Random House’s hair on fire.
Run-on sentences will be so common you’ll start wondering why you’ve read two chapters and still haven’t seen a period what, you think I can’t do it I can make it happen goddamnit because that’s how hard I work no one will ever fully understand my ability to stretch out a thought to the point of extinction and then somehow make it last just a teeny tiny bit longer until dogs start howling and little children scream and dead bodies reawaken and suddenly my really boring story becomes a really boring zombie piece wouldn’t that be cool I know you’d love it I’d love it too and then we could all jump in a huge purple pool of choppy prose together and be happy forever.
Speaking of zombies, the story won’t be original either. I’ve thought long and hard about how to make a really really uninteresting plot and I’ve decided on a girl walking down the street who falls in love, then he leaves her for his secretary, after which the girl turns into a vampire and exacts revenge on him by attacking him while he’s alone with her in a cabin at summer camp, then the girl falls deeply for a mysterious werewolf who feels lost and neglected by his mother and unaccepted by his father, but proves his metal in a final moment of bravery where he stands up to his parents to save his vampire girlfriend from being imprisoned for committing the crime of loving a werewolf and then in his final hour he gives his life for her because she needs blood to survive and he’s the only one who will give it to her but he doesn’t die because when a vampire bites a werewolf…
HE TURNS INTO A ZOMBIE
Worst of all, though, I will committing the unforgivable crime of not editing my work. Not one word. I won’t even look at the damn thing again until it’s on the shelves in your pretty little hands.
And I will do all this as an unpublished, completely uncredited author so everyone will think yep, she really is that bad.
Did I get it all? Bookmark this because this shiny iridescent gem is coming your way!